I Fall
by xander1girl
Summary: In the events following 21 guns and Bloodlines, Sam struggles with the after effects of her decisions, and what they have caused her to become.
1. Chapter 1

It had only been a few months since the shooting at County Hospital in Chicago, and to everyone there it had become nothing more then a bad dream, a memory all of them did their best to forget, move on with their lives…everyone except me.

That entire day replays in my mind every single day, no matter where I am or what I'm doing I can see it all. Trying to tube Luka, the screams and sounds of shattering glass, the gunshots…those ones were the worst. And it wasn't just the gunshots from the ER I heard, it was all of them, including the three that were caused by my own hand, three shots that turned my entire world completely upside down, and I have never been the same since. Sure I go to work, take care of my kid and pretend I'm like the others that it's all behind me and I too am slowly forgetting it ever happened…when really I am falling apart. Barely holding on, feeling like I am a million miles away from everyone, socially, mentally and physically. I use work as an escape, the busier I make myself the less time my mind has to wonder back to that night…Steve lying there sleeping peacefully, the gun in my hand…the shots ringing out into the night, the blood had splattered everywhere, but somehow I had managed to avoid it getting all over me.

I shake the thoughts from my head, the memories and down another shot of tequila, nodding at the bartender to pour me another and glancing around the dank pit of a bar making sure no one was around. I couldn't let any of them see me like this, see how much I've fallen over the months, see what I had become.

"Hey there pretty lady…" came a voice from behind me, causing me to turn and see a well dressed man standing there…man is a term used loosely as this man was barely a man, no doubt a kid from one of the colleges around, barely legal drinking age if even that. "Can I buy you a drink?" he asks, taking a seat on the bar stool next to me.

Usually, I would make a sarcastic comment about how I had a kid at home who was just a few years younger then him, but instead I just shrug and nod, allowing the kid to place a few bills on the counter, and the bartender to fill up my once again empty glass. I suck on the lemon at the bar, lick my hand and down that shot too, really feeling the effects of the sweet alcohol now, and not really caring much. This was what I wanted; the numbness was a comfort to me, kept me away from nightmares and imaginary gunfire.

"Wow…you sure know how to handle a shot." The boy comments, earning him another offhanded shrug by me.

"I've got a lot of practice." I respond, finally breaking my silence not just with the boy, but since I had entered the bar and quietly ordered my first drink. I slur my words slightly as I speak, but again I don't really care much, not like the kid took much notice, he was too busy staring at my chest. "See somethin you like?" I comment, shooting back another shot and giving him a look, ignoring my conscience screaming at me for hitting on a kid who probably wasn't legal for anything I had planned.

"I see a lot of things that I like." He replies with a grin, running his fingers down my arm. "What do you say we go somewhere a little more private, find out some more things we both like about one another?"

I shake my head, my common sense and morals finally winning over my drunken loneliness. "I can't…I gotta get home. My kid's got school tomorrow and I gotta work…don't think Elliot's staff appreciates always having to mother my child…"

The kid gives me a look "You got a kid?" he asks in disbelief

I nod "Oh yeah…Alex he's…a good kid for the most part…kinda wild at times but he's a young boy what do you expect…" I down another shot and shrug "Besides, his father died recently so, I gotta be around more for em you know?"

At the mention of Steve, the shots once again ring out in my mind, causing me to squeeze my eyes shut and inhale sharply. When I open them again, the kid is still staring at me, looking as if he still didn't believe that I was a mother, and with the shots and the images still there in my head, my morals and common sense give way and I lean forward, kissing the boy passionately.

The next thing I know, I am in a dirty alleyway, with the boys lips still pressed against mine, his hands traveling up my loose fitting work shirt, fondling my breasts through my bra, my own hands moving to unbuckle his belt.

"Oh fuck yeah…" he breathes, hands slipping down to my pants line now, pulling at the drawstrings of my scrub pants, and causing me to once again flashback….

"No…" I say suddenly, pushing him off of me, causing him to stumble backwards. I shake my head, trying desperately to get the images out, but finding myself unable to.

"What's your problem bitch?" the guy asks "A minute ago you were practically begging me for it."

I shake my head "Sorry I…sorry I just need to…sleep I…" I stumble from the alleyway and down the street a ways before finding an abandoned bench and laying down on it, curling up into a little ball for warmth and squeezing my eyes shut, the images coming back to me like it was just yesterday.

"Sam?" I hear a familiar voice say my name, breaking me free from my thoughts, from the images and sounds. I lift my head and open my eyes, barely registering that I was shivering from cold, and see Luka staring down at me, concern in his eyes.

"Luka…" I mumble "Can't you see I'm sleeping here?" I lower my head again and close my eyes, hoping that he would just leave me here, forget he even saw me and go home to his wife and son.

"I can see that…" he replies, taking a step closer to me "My question is why are you sleeping here when you could be sleeping at home where it's warm…"

I shrug "Convenient. I'm tired, this was here figured, what the hell."

He shakes his head, moving to lift me from the bench and pull me into his strong arms, and I find myself sub-consciously leaning my head against his shoulder, snuggling closer to his warm body. "You are freezing." He states "I'm going to take you back to my place. The couch is comfortable…I don't think Abby will mind…you need to warm up or you are going to get pneumonia…"

"No, I can't get that…" I state, head still buried in his neck "I've had it before…"

He frowns and looks down at me. "Are you drunk?"

I shrug and smile "Only a little…"

He sighs and we walk a bit before I hear him whistle for a cab. I know he put me inside it; but the cab ride itself is a huge blank. When I awaken again, I am already inside Luka's apartment, laid out on the couch covered in a few heavy blankets. I can hear Luka and Abby fighting in the kitchen about me being there. She didn't think it was a good idea, I had a home of my own to go to…but Luka insisted I stay there so he could monitor me, make sure I was all right, and that it was late, taking me home would wake up Elliot and Alex and get them all worried…he would call them in the morning.

I drift back into my own sub-conscience in the middle of their argument, so I had no idea how the thing ended, but found myself not really caring. If I was up before them, I would be long gone before either of them had a chance to call Elliot or do much of anything.

Sure enough, I wake with a start only a few hours later, the sound of three gunshots ringing in my ears. I look around, dazed and confused for a moment before remembering everything that had happened. I sigh, pushing the blankets aside and tip toeing my way to the door, shoving my feet into my shoes and sneaking out, taking a cab back to Elliot's and sneaking inside the large mansion easily, making sure to check on Alex before heading to my room and falling onto the bed with a sigh, once again slipping into the realm of sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

I wake up in a panic, once again hearing the gunshots blasting in my ears, the screams of all the people in the ER, the quiet that followed the shots that had killed the father of my son. I take a deep sigh, trying desperately to calm myself down before someone saw me, asked me what was wrong. No one could know how this was effecting me. I had to be strong I had to be brave. My main focus needed to be on my son, and dealing with the trauma's he went through during this whole thing. Being abducted from his school and tied up in a van by his own father, taken to god knows where at gunpoint.

Once I was awake and had myself composed enough, I sneak into Alex's room slowly hoping to not wake him, but instead find him long gone, blankets thrown off the bed, clothes scattered everywhere. I frown and glance over at the alarm clock on his bedside, groaning as I read the time. 11:01 am…he was already in school, Elliot must have had the driver take him for me…I would have to thank both of them later. I sigh and sit on the end of his bed, absent mindedly picking up the clothes he had discarded on the floor, noting that they were clean, and began to fold them, standing to set them back in his half opened drawers. He hated it when I came in and cleaned his room, but it gave me something to do, took my mind off whatever was bothering me. He was just a little boy, but Alex is my rock. He is all I really have right now, and if it weren't for him, this whole mess probably would have turned out a hell of lot different.

I hear the cell phone in my bedroom ring, and frowning, I tuck the last shirt away in the drawer, close it then head for my room. I answer the phone cautiously, wondering who would be calling me. Everyone I knew was either working at the hospital, or working for Elliot. "Hello?" I answer cautiously

"Sam?" I hear a thick Croatian accent over the other end, instantly bringing back memories of the night before. Shit, how could I have forgotten he would be calling today?

"Luka hey." I reply with a fake laugh "Sorry about last night I just…too many cocktails after work…just wanted to get out of there this morning, avoid the awkwardness…"

"That's what I figured." He answers, "Was just calling to make sure you were all right…"

"Yeah…" I say with a sigh "I'm fine just…a little tired."

"So are you not coming into work today?" he asks

Suddenly it dawns on me, I was supposed to be at work at 9am this morning. "Shit!" I curse under my breath, glancing at my own alarm clock for a second before sighing into the phone again. "Yeah I'll be there in a few minutes…let me throw some clothes on…"

"Sam it's ok. You had a bad night last night. Take today off, I'll call Chuny in to cover you and you can take her shift tomorrow."

"Luka I don't want any special treatment just because…" I start, but get interrupted by him, his words sharp and impatient, obviously not wanting to bring things up again. He was happy with Abby now, there was no reason for him to care or even remember that we ever had anything.

"This isn't special treatment Sam. I would do it for anyone in your position. You came back to work far too soon anyway so take the day, get some rest and I will see you tomorrow."

I nod, despite the fact that he couldn't see it, biting back tears whose origin I had no idea of. "Ok…thank you Luka."

"No problem." He answers quickly "See you tomorrow."

I nod again, then hang up, glancing around the room, smoothing out my clothing, realizing I was wearing the same clothes as the previous night, too drunk and distraught to change before I passed out, something else I found myself doing a lot lately. After standing there for a few moments, the memories suddenly come flooding back as boredom began to take over. I squeeze my eyes shut and sit on the edge of my bed, head in my hands but it doesn't help, nothing ever does. Tears form in my eyes again as I see Steve's sleeping body twitch as the bullets make contact, the blood that splatters everywhere…my eyes shoot open as I rise from my bed. I couldn't deal with this; it was all just too much…

So I went somewhere where I knew I could go and forget.

I slaunter into the same bar as I had been in the night before, having a seat at the bar and nodding at the bartender, thankfully It was a different guy then the previous night, although I really wouldn't care if it wasn't. Not like the guy can cut me off before I even start drinking. I wasn't rowdy or violent when I drank; I just sat there silently lost in my own world. Besides, one bar kicks me out; there were over a dozen more I could go to.

"Rum and coke." I say quietly, deciding to change my drinks around again, remembering what the tequila had done to me the night before, and deciding I would try switching it up.

The next few hours were a blur, with every drink my memory became even more fuzzy and clouded, which was just the way I wanted it. This time I avoid human contact all together, sitting on the end of the bar and ignoring everyone else in the room, figuring it would keep me safe from another embarrassing mishap like last night. Although I'm sure the boy wasn't hurt too badly. He probably jerked himself off in the alley, went back inside and told his buddies how he fucked a hot drunk nurse. I sigh and put my head down on the bar, hand still gripping my empty glass, closing my eyes as I find myself incredibly tired all of a sudden.

"You should go home." Came the voice of the bartender "You've been here long enough, you need to sleep this off. Let me call you a cab."

I raise my head defiantly, wanting to tell the bartender off, tell him I could hold my own, I didn't need anyone to tell me what to do. But he was right, I had been here pretty much all day, missed picking Alex up from school, making him dinner, talking to him about his day…so much for him being more important then my own problems…plus, I had to go into work tomorrow.

"Yeah your probably right…" I mumble out, moving to stand form the stool and nearly falling on my ass. I laugh and manage to catch myself as the bartender rushes over to give me a hand.

"You ok?" he asks as I pull myself back up and nod at his question. He shakes his head "Cab's on its way…should be here in a few minutes. It's a buddy of mine so I know he's trust worthy."

"Well aren't you the little handy helper…" I say with a smile "You want in my pants too? Got a back room we can go to or were you thinking the cab?"

He shakes his head "Your good looking, but no thanks. Just know the streets, know what happens to pretty girls like you when you wander out alone, especially as intoxicated as you are."

I wave my hand at him "Pfft…I killed my ex when he tried to hurt me, aint afraid of no street punks…" I get up from the bar again and stagger my way to the door, turning to shoot back "Your loss." With the sexiest voice I could muster, bursting into a round of giggles as I exited the bar. I step off the small set of stairs and glance around for any sign of the cabbie, finding none yet, but spotting a group of men standing nearby. I slaunter over to them with a grin and a nod "Got an extra ona them for me cowboy?" I ask, indicating his light cigarette.

"Sure, anything for a pretty lady." He replies, reaching into his pocket and removing a cigarette pack, opening it and handing me one, then pulling out his lighter and lighting it for me. I take a puff, inhaling deeply, wondering in the back of my head why I didn't cough or choke on it, having never had a cigarette in my entire life.

"Thanks." I say with another smile, then turn to walk away. Had I been completely sober, I would wonder why the hell I went over there an asked a group of strange men for a cigarette when I didn't even smoke, but the alcohol was working it's lovely mind numbing powers on me and so I found myself acting as if I did that sort of thing all along, standing on the curb waiting for my cab, sucking on the cigarette as if I had been doing it my entire life.

"You waitin for someone?" I hear the guy ask, him and his buddies approaching me. I turn to face them with a nod.

"Yeah, just waitin for a cab…" I answer

"Oh, well we can give you a lift if you want…might be a bit faster…unless your not looking to go right home…" he replies with a grin, moving closer to me, rubbing his body against mine slightly

I shake my head, moving away from him quickly "No thanks, I work tomorrow morning and I need to spend some time with my kid…"

"Aww common it'll be fun." He says, moving towards me again "Promise you'll go home with a smile on your face…" he grabs me, and I try to fight him off, but his buddies quickly move to help him, one grabbing each of my arms, another moving to cover my mouth with his hand. The leader pulls away from me with a grin, turning and walking towards the alley I had nearly screwed the college kid in the night before, his goons dragging me behind them, kicking and fighting, fear building up inside of me now, mad flashbacks running through my mind…Steve hadn't really held me down like these guys were, but he was there, sitting on top of me, gun in one hand…

I bite the guy holding his hand over my mouth, crying out into the night "No Steve…get off me…no!" I lash out, kicking harder then before, moving my hand so that the cigarette still in my hand would burn the one guy, causing him to loose his grip on me. I pull away, hitting the guy holding my other arm in the face, breaking his nose, pulling away, trying to make a run back for the bar but the leader grabs me first, throwing me onto the ground roughly, climbing on top of me, punching me hard in the face, then moving to hold my hands down.

"You stupid little bitch!" he spits out "Think you can just take down my crew and get away with it?" He moves my hands closer together above my head so he could hold them with one hand, using the other to reach down and unbutton his belt. "For that, " he says as he works "I am going to make it hurt like hell…"

I squirm under him, my eyes dark, determined to not let this happen again. I may have just laid there when it was Steve, but there was no way I was going to do that this time, I learned my lesson, this time I was going to fight back. When he bends down to kiss me, I head butt him as hard as I can, knocking him off guard enough for me to free my hands and shove him off me. I rise to my feet, but instead of running away, I move towards him, kicking him in the crotch and sending him back onto his knees. I grab his head and knee him hard in the chin, sending him falling backwards onto his ass, but I still was far from done. As he lay on the ground holding his dick and moaning, I continue to kick him violently, over and over, images of Steve flashing into my mind. Every time he just showed up out of the blue, pulled me back into his shit, then left Alex and I broken hearted…taking us both like he did…laying there, talking to me like everything was going to be all right, like he hadn't just kidnapped us both and shot two people to death…

"Hey whoa lady I think he's down…" I hear from behind me, strong hands grabbing my shoulders and pulling me away from the broken crying man on the ground.

I turn and punch the guy right in the face, knocking him onto his ass on the pavement with a glare. "You wanna get in on the fun?" I demand angrily

He shakes his head, holding his nose "No…I came to give you a lift home…you're the girl Robbie told me about right?"

I relax a little and nod, moving to help him off the ground. "Sorry about your nose." I say bitterly

He smiles and shakes his head "No problem, I'm used to getting roughed up by drunks…never been hit by a girl before though…"

We walk to his cab and he drives me back to Elliot's place, to my place. Sneaking in, checking on Alex and then once again head to my own room, where I fall onto the bed, and drift into a sleep full of nightmares and memories the alcohol had only briefly taken away.


End file.
